Thursday, March 16, 2006

Slainte!

I'm going early with my St. Patrick's day post, hope no one minds.

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Here are some very old and occassionally funny Irish jokes:

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all went to The pub together. The Englishman spent £30, The Irishman spent £50 and The Scotsman spent a very pleasant evening indeed.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub one night when a politician came in looking for votes.
'I'll buy a pint of stout,' said The politician 'for whichever of The three of you gives me The best reason for voting for The government.'
I'll vote for your government,' said The Englishman, 'because it is my democratic duty to do so.'
I'll vote for your government,' said The Scotsman, 'because I hate The opposition.'
I'll vote for your government,' said The Irishman, 'because I want that pint.'
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were confessing their secret vices to each other.
'I'm a terrible gambler,' said The Englishman.
'I'm a terrible drinker,' said The Scotsman.
'My vice is much less serious,' said The Irishman, 'I just like to gossip about my friends.'
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were playing poker together but The Irishman had no luck at all. He lost game after game after game until his money was nearly all gone. Then finally in The small hours of The morning he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw that he had drawn four aces. As The stakes rose higher and higher The tension became too much for The Scotsman who lurched forward across The table -dead.
'What will we do?' said The Englishman.
'Out of respect for The dead,' said The Irishman, 'I propose that we play this hand standing up.'
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a noisy pub one evening.
'Will you lend me £10?' The Scotsman shouted to The Irishman.
'You'll have to speak up a bit,' said The Irishman, 'I can't hear a word you're saying with all The noise in here.'
'Will you lend me £10?' screamed The Scotsman at The top of his voice.
'It's no use,' said The Irishman, 'I still cannot hear a word you're saying.'
'Look,' said The Englishman,' standing beside them, 'I can hear him quite clearly.'
'In that case,' said The Irishman, "you lend him The£10.'

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