Value

We’ve all been there, a post, a rant, simmering just beneath the surface waiting to get out. I can’t count the times I have sat at this keyboard, ready to rage on the latest indignity suffered by our military- the lack of support, the twisted view of the media, the insane antics of the anti-war crowd. And just continued to stare because my voice has no bearing, changes nothing, merely whispers, “I think this is right”. Too much of what I wish I could write hits so close to home, I can barely acknowledge it to myself, much less an audience.

I have gone back to listening to talk radio on the morning drive to work. Don and Roma are on WLS-AM out of Chicago early mornings. This morning they were talking about the investigation into Pat Tillman’s death. Now, Don and Roma have a son that is a Marine officer. They know what I know, that breathless, heart-griping fear that comes from having your child in a war zone. They know that feeling of panic that sits on the back burner, barely controlled; the times of the day when it everything just…stops…you stare out into nothing…and then pick up where you left off, grabbing pieces of your life as you go along.

Roma nearly broke my heart, though, this morning. She was explaining that her son had told her, should anything ever happen…and now, just as she did on the air, my throat tightens and eyes fill with tears…he would be doing what he loved most. (Let me clarify here that their son is fine) And that was what made the gremlins come out.

Deployment is going to happen again; it is almost a certainty with Young SGT’s PCS to Texas. We have already had to have the “conversation” once prior to his first deployment. Trust me, there are few things more horrifying than having to discuss the unthinkable with your child. It is not in the natural scheme of things to do so. But there is one conversation we have not had; I am too much a coward to ask.

It is all fine and good that I can look at the Big Picture and think that trying to bring a better life to the Afghans and Iraqis is an admirable goal. That democracy and freedom can change the dynamic in the Middle East for the better. It is all fine and good that Young SGT is okay with deployment for professional and financial reasons. But there lies the place I can’t go. If the unthinkable did happen…is it okay? Is it worth it?

I can’t look myself in the mirror and give an honest answer.

Thanks for reading.